Gangaji

I've been going through a turbulent phase lately, dealing with some demons with names like "depression," "despair," "self-loathing." Feeling quite hopeless at times. Still, looking back into the past I can see how much healthier I am these days than I was earlier in my life. I have many more coping mechanisms. I am more connected with my friends and with the world, and that helps to take me out of myself. Sometimes being alone is very helpful, and it is certainly good to deal with my own problems as much as possible - particularly when they are based on lies that I tell myself. However, it is also good to connect with beloved friends. It also helps to be reminded that other people have lots of things going on in their lives, both good and bad - it puts things in perspective.

One thing that is helping me lately is listening to the audio clips at the Gangaji website (http://www.gangaji.org/satsang/library/listening.asp?bhcp=1 is where the audio clips are located; http://www.gangaji.org is the main website). Gangaji is so beautiful, spiritual and physically - she glows. I find it very inspiring and soothing listening to her. She does look and sound to me like an awakened being. Also, I find what she says very compatible with the book Loving What Is, which is one of the books I'm currently reading. Both women often talk about letting go of your stories and just being.

One story on the site - it's actually not Gangaji telling this particular story - is titled "The Riddle" and the parable of awakening goes like so:

"Imagine that you're driving in a car, and you're going down a very steep mountainside. And now imagine that, for whatever reason, the brakes go out, and you're still going down this mountainside. And now imagine that for some other inexplicable reason, the steering goes out. What do you do? Stop imagining!"

Sometimes I get this strange nagging little feeling - I had it for a few moments this afternoon - that awakening is possible for me, that it's something I've forgotten but could remember if I really let go. It's an interesting sensation. I don't feel ready to let go that deeply - I'm still afraid of that - but I hope that someday before I die I will be able to do so. Of course, I don't know how long I've got before that happens; perhaps a fair while, or perhaps barely any time at all.

I'm very grateful to my friend leela for pointing out Gangaji to me. She is a very wise and beautiful human being - both of them are, actually.