Yesterday I did a one-day Vipassana retreat. It was great to have a concentrated dose of meditation and a lot of stuff came up for me. First I had a lot of rage, triggered by an email I got a few days ago from a friend I've been trying to hip to Spiral Dynamics - unfortunately I don't think that's going to happen because she's quite resistent to hierarchical schemes designed by white men. The sentence in her email that really set me off was this:
it still seems like cultural eugenics to me, asSomehow whenever I read stuff like this it tends to set me off bigtime, like: Oh, this theory is not only wrong, but constitutes an attempt to completely wipe out other cultures, because the creators of the theory:
defined by rich white guys named Clare no less
a)have skin like mine
b)have genitals like mine
c)have lots of money (unlike me, alas)
I find it hard to imagine dismissing a theory by saying something like, "That theory seems irrelevent to me because it is defined by a black lesbian - named M'bele no less." I find it easy to imagine being crucified if I did, though.
She went on to translate her objection into the more neutral language of Non-Violent Communication, something she's been studying lately which looks like a useful green meme (Communitarian/Egalitarian) technique. Her NVC segment included the comment "i also believe that truly evolved people would not be interested in categorizing other peoples according to what 'levels' of evolution they have achievied."
Anyway, that triggered rage in me, which is interesting. So I looked at that for a while. I'm not going to go off on a "it's so hard being a white male in the 21st century" trip right now, though the tendency is definately there. After marinating in defensive rage for a while I broke through that suddenly and underneath that was a layer of self-loathing and suicidal depression. Ah yes, how well I remember that, being as I used to marinate in it for a large segment of my life. "I'm bad, I'm worthless scum, men are evil, I'm a man (albeit an emasculated fuckup as a man) and everybody would be better off if I was dead." I'm so glad I don't live in that place any more, but it's nice to know it's still alive and well and living in a dark corner of my psyche - and clearly it is a defensive reaction against that which causes me to overreact in these kinds of situations.
After some more time passed I broke through that and underneath that was a calm centeredness, a quiet joy in existence. From that perspective I was able to just feel sad about where we are as humans, so much pain and oppression in our history. We're going to be working out the karma of our collective past for quite some time, and a lot of that is going to suck bigtime.
Since then I've been continuing to process the whole thing. I can still feel the rage, still feel the depair and self-loathing, still feel the quiet joy. No doubt all of those will continue to take center stage at various times. It is so much better to let this stuff come and go while meditating than acting it out.
As for the whole rich white guy domination trip, I can see where that comes from, and it doesn't come out of nowhere. My job is to get to a place where I can refrain from (over)reacting to such statements from people who have every reason to react that way and just get on with becoming a better person and perhaps helping to build a better world. I also wish to refrain from getting into the victim trip myself, poor oppressed white male beaten up by the PC police on a regular basis.
At least I should get some credit for digging Hothead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist. See how enlightened and sensitive a male I am? Don't it make you wanna sleep with me?
4 comments:
I see more clearly now how the leap to 2nd tier can clear up so many "lower meme" arguments. What people miss is the fact that everything is taken into consideration from 2nd tier. I certainly think people can and do use SD to rank and judge others, but for me it’s been an amazing learning tool of compassion for myself and others. It’s a color coded map to areas in my own life that need work, are moving along swimmingly or are light years ahead of most others. All of those realities reside with "me". Why deny it?
And I guess that’s what spurs my questions to you so often. Why deny it or try to control what simply just is? Sure I understand why, the entourage can list a million reasons, but are they true? And what are you really protecting yourself from? Ah the joys of Self Inquiry!!! (I hope you hear my sarcasm) Its the hardest work I’ve ever done, and depending on the issue that comes up for continues to be hard work regardless of what color on the spiral I am most often in touch with.
It sounds like your friend is pretty firmly planted in the green meme and her points are very valid from that level of evolution. You can bet your ass I would have had some serious Hot Head Paisan reactions to being told something like that when I was firmly planted in green myself. Although there have always been parts of my point of view that were not welcome at any of my developmental stages on the spiral. I guess that’s a good thing, I never felt totally accepted anywhere and longing for that lead me to the space of discovering that comfort in the strangest of places...my own heart!
This is a response from my friend who sent the original email:
i liked your blog, but it's painful for me to hear you being so hard on
yourself, especially when you epitomize the kind of guy who gives me hope
and helps me get out of bed every day (yeah, you wish! . please tell
leela, who sounds pretty great herself, my feet aren't firmly planted
anywhere (are anyone's?) i just believe diagnosis = disconnection, and i
see it as a root cause of human suffering. it seems like SD is a pretty
good metaphorical structure for looking at oneself and personal growth,
etc. as long as you provide yourself with a good dose of self-empathy along
the way, but i could see myself constantly assessing others by its
criteria, if i were an adherent, and then i wouldn't be able to hear what
they were trying to tell me. besides as you know i'm already as judgemental
as hell! cheers bonobo!
Hi friend of Arthurs! I'm totally not trying to put all of you in a colorful box. What Arthur shared about your point of view reminds me so much of myself when I was integrating lessons and expereinces through "green" eyes. I think you pointed out the pitfalls of the SD Theory very well and I totally agree about the kindness to ourselves through the process of discovery. These are interesting days we are expereincing don't you think?
Thanks for the inspiration Arthur and take your friends advice, go easy on your self would ya? Hugs!
Thanks leela and Beth
OK, OK, I'll try to go easy on myself! Actually I only visit that place sometimes now, it's a long time since I lived there. I'm more able to view such thoughts and feelings with a detached compassionate awareness rather than being swamped by them.
love
arthur
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