The following is my response to a post by a man who lost a friend to suicide recently. The complete thread, starting with his post, is available here: Hanging Yourself.
Suicide is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. As many people here know, I lost someone very close to me in 2001 when she committed suicide; she did it by going far away from her family and taking an overdose of pills. Nobody close to her saw her body as it was cremated and the ashes shipped back to them. One small thing I was grateful for is that she didn't do it violently, and made sure no one close to her would find the body.
In going through her things I came across a drawing she made, which depicted her hanging from a noose in her beloved garden outside her home; so she had thought of doing it that way. It was chilling to see that artistic depiction of her despair, but I'm glad she didn't act it out. How she did leave was hard enough to deal with.
Losing her is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Several months after she died I was in enough despair about it that I woke up one morning planning how and when I was going to kill myself. Only knowing how much pain her death caused motivated me to take steps which - much to my surprise - enabled me to continue, because I didn't want to do that to people who loved me. Now I'm better and grateful to still be here. Some amazing things have happened to me since then, and some wonderful people have come into my life - as I tried to tell Kalindi, you never know what may happen if you stick around; surprising, beautiful things may happen.
It's so true, that saying, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." And it's a real mindfuck for people you leave behind. It doesn't represent skillful means, that's for sure.
My thoughts and prayers are with those affected by this unfortunate man's death, for all those who have lost someone in that horrible way, and for everyone who has felt so bad that suicide seemed like the only solution.
arthur
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4 comments:
I'm really glad you stuck around too, my friend. Not having you in my life would be unthinkable.
Thanks, whoever you are. :) Probably a lot of my friends would say that - hopefully all of them. Of course, by and by we will have to think the unthinkable, eff the ineffable, grasp the ungraspable etc.
namaste
arthur
Thank you for your courage in posting this! I'm a new anonymous here and just found your site a few moments ago.
Thanks for your comment, anon. :)
One of my favorite Stuart Davis songs, Jonah, talks about the aftermath of suicide. It's a beautiful song, better if you hear it sung (of course) but here are the lyrics:
Jonah - Stuart Davis
The dogs are still expecting
your father is a general
Benjamin's a murderer
Your sister is a sponge
your mother is worker
Jonah, I ran into your mom
she isn't aging very well
sometimes I think her face is gonna burst
cause hiding pain is work, and your mother is a worker
Jonah, some thoughts about your sister
her eyes are always closed
ever since that day she's held a certain pose
it's not a coma, she's the opposite of numb
some people soak pain up, and your sister is a sponge
and your mother is a worker
Jonah, I still see Ben
but if I bring your name up the conversation ends
cause he loaned you the shotgun you took up to the cabin
whatever people say, he only hears the words 'Benjamin's a murderer'
your sister is a sponge, your mother is a worker
Jonah, Jonah, news about your dad
you thought he drank before
now he drinks, his body is at war and his stomach's never full
cause your father is a general, Benjamin's a murderer,
your sister is a sponge your mother is a worker
Jonah, they gave me your goddamn dogs
I'm sick of what they do
they bark at everything until they see it isn't you
cause the dogs are still expecting, your father is a general
Benjamin's a murderer, your sister is a sponge your mother is a worker
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