Satsang with Neelam

Last Wednesday I went to see a teacher named Neelam. She is an advaita-vedanta (nondual) teacher in the Papaji lineage - part of that whole Ramana Maharshi scene. This is the first time I went to see such a teacher, and I did not know what to make of her. I was pleased and a little disconcerted that she dresses in a completely ordinary fashion, and at first blush could be anyone you pass on the street. She sat down and put her microphone on (a headset type) then closed her eyes and remained still for perhaps ten minutes. I loved this part, sometimes watching her, sometimes with my own eyes closed, letting my mind get quiet and still - listening to the silence that underlies all sound, letting the stillness within me respond to that. I seemed to get little glimpses of that state, as I do now and then. After a while, Neelam opened her eyes, welcomed us, and said a few words. I can't remember exactly what she said, certainly nothing I've never heard before. She then asked if anyone had questions and for the rest of the time would just respond to what other people asked her. She would respond slowly, with many pauses, and would often spend long periods of time just gazing at the person. Someone would ask her, for example, about pain they were experiencing, and she would ask "Is it OK to be with the pain?" She would advise people not to run away from whatever they were experiencing because then the running never ends. It's better to just be with it. Accept everything as it is. At a fundamental level, everything is perfectly allright just as it is. One woman asked her an excellant question concerning what about a child who is being abused - is that OK? Neelam explained that it is a mistake to tune in to that deep level at which everthing is OK as it is, and then paint everything with that brush; a child being abused is not OK. However, she added that if a child was being abused, and they were able to get in touch with the deepest level of their being, they would recognize that everything is fine on that level. Basically she seemed to be saying that in an absolute sense everything is fine - in fact, "It's incredible to be here," as she frequently said - but on the relative level of course many things are, well, less than OK. Also that if we can let go of our stories and just be with what is arising, without trying to grasp or avoid it, then everything will be perfect just as it is - including all the pain that arises.

Various judgements and doubts arose in my mind; however, as time went on she really started to grow on me. Her total calm and stillness and the way she answered people's questions lead me to suspect that she is in touch with something that I'm not, at least not very often. Afterward I felt much calmer, more accepting. I liked it enough to go back the following night (she was here for two nights in a row, and later will be doing a workshop locally) and the second time I was more in tune with her, and felt even calmer afterward.

Despite the fact that I have great anxiety about speaking in public, finally I asked her a question in the second session. "Neelam, how do you balance being with doing?" I explained that in meditation I have moments of being at peace with everything that is arising, but that in going into the world I am distracted and totally lose that. Even in meditation such moments are rare. Her short answer would be: get in touch with the stillness, then bring that out into the world; don't make meditation something separate from the rest of your life, but make life your meditation as much as you can. "So you would become more engaged with the world?" I asked, and she replied, "If that's what is natural for you." All in all we spoke back and forth for about five minutes, an interesting process - and yet, it did not feel much different from having an ordinary conversation with a regular person. What was most interesting was when we stopped speaking, and she sat gazing calmly and expressionlessly at me for several minutes. That became really intimidating very quickly - a lot of uncomfortable emotions coming up for me, such as judgement of myself and then of her (i.e. projection), anger, shame etc. She didn't seem to be projecting anything - just looking. Everything that came up felt like it was completely MY stuff.

I would love to see Neelam again in the future, and now I am even more interested in seeing Gangaji sometime if I get the chance. A man from the same tradition named Nirmala, who was taught by Neelam, is coming in February, and I plan to check that out. The story of his awakening is fascinating:

Then there was a wonderful moment when "me" included not only infinity in terms of space but "popped" to include all time. It was obviously who I had always been, and it included all the past and all the future. Then I laughed and laughed and rolled around in the gravel because it was suddenly so silly that I had imagined myself to have suffered. I had always been so free that I was even free to have this illusion of not being free. That’s how complete the freedom is. So I just laughed and laughed.

I sometimes call this experience a non-awakening because what I realized in that moment is that all there is and ever has been is Awakeness. There’s no need for awakening in Awakeness itself. All of life is just the play of this that has always been fully awake.

I love that line "I had always been so free that I was even free to have this illusion of not being free."